🧨New Fed Sheriff Rides into Town

May 13, 2026 

🧨New Fed Sheriff Rides into Town… Microsoft Misses the “Mag 7” Yacht Party (+$500B Session)

“You hear that? That’s the sound of cheap money ridin’ into town.” -newly elected Sheriff Kevin Warsh

Well folks, today is your lucky day. After an 8-year run filled with endless word salads, emergency money-printing, and a zero-interest-rate COVID environment that accidentally created the greatest casino in stock market history… Jerome Powell is officially hanging it up on Friday.

And in his place? Trump’s minion (read: Kevin Warsh) is inheriting arguably the most influential job on planet Earth. (“I used to pray for times like this.”)

The Senate voted 54-45 to confirm Warsh as the next Federal Reserve chairman, and funny enough, Pennsylvania’s human hoodie John Fetterman was the only Democrat who crossed party lines to vote yes. (I knew I always liked that guy for some reason, just couldn’t figure out why).

That said, yesterday’s hotter-than-expected inflation report still managed to smack parts of the market around like a substitute teacher trying to control a middle school classroom.

The Dow slipped 0.2% as household-name companies like Nike and Home Depot got kicked directly into the clearance aisle. But while old-economy stocks were busy crying into their dividend yields, the money simply rotated right back into Big Tech like always. 

The S&P 500 climbed 0.7%, while the Nasdaq ripped 1.3% after Donnie’s little bachelor trip to China with all his billionaire tech bros gave investors hope that Jensen Huang (read: Nvidia) may once again be allowed to sell the “good stuff” to Xi Jinping. 

ANd get this, the Mag 7 stocks added half a TRILLION dollars in market cap today with Google seeing it’s best record since April, Nvidia up 6 sessions in a row and hitting an all time high… and even with Tim Apple gone, the iPhone maker was able to cross $300 for the first time ever. 

In addition, Tesla, Meta, and Amazon are living it up. The only one who sh*t the bed, was Microsoft which loss $26 billion and had its 4th straight losing session. 

So instead of just buying the S&P, maybe it’s time we start just telling folks to split their portfolio 7 ways into the Mag 7 stocks. (This is just a joke). But it’s worth mentioning, with all the bubble talk, do we really think that’s bursting anytime soon now that Kev is getting handed the keys? My money is on no. But we’ve never seen the market go up like this for this long.

If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.

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Alibaba’s Profit Machine Pulls a “2020 Jack Ma” (-84%)… CEO Crowns Himself China’s Jensen Huang

Jack Ma đŸ¤ Alibaba profits disappearing without notice…

Well ladies and gentlecars, the original Temu (read: Alibaba) just delivered one of the funniest earnings contradictions Wall Street has seen all year.

Somehow, the company’s AI business centered around it’s LLM “Quen” and AI Agents is growing like a weed… while profits are simultaneously pulling a Jack Ma circa 2020.

And this isn’t clickbait bad… it’s bad, bad… For instance, Alibaba reported adjusted EBITA collapsed a horrendous 84% year-over-year during the March quarter. Funny enough, Alibaba shares initially popped 1-2% in premarket trading before investors actually read the earnings report and…

Read The Full Article HERE 

FedEx CEO Risks “Cramer Curse” After Dismissing Amazon Logistics Threats on Mad Money

Inverse Cramer’s gonna have a field day making memes about this…

What’s the first move you make if you run a powerful Fortune 500 company and a new competitor claims your turf? If you’re answer isn’t “go on Mad Money and jinx yourself BIGLY chatting it up with Jim Cramer…” then, respect. Unfortunately for all you FedExshareholders, CEO Raj Subramaniam (what a name), did exactly that.

It all started earlier this month when Amazon rolled out a new service called “Amazon Supply Chain Services,” which pretty much lets…

Read The Full Article HERE 

☕ Market Gossip

>Anthropic is hiring a ‘Claude Evangelist’ — and it pays up to $315,000 (Business Insider):Opens door: “Hello, sir. Would you like to go to church and hear more about the ‘gospel of Claude?’”

>Kool-Aid to launch electrolyte packets with no artificial dyes as part of Kraft Heinz makeover (CNBC):RFK’s on a generational run.

>Oklo stock dips after company says quarterly loss widened (Yahoo Finance):Scam Altman can’t catch a break right now.

>Hegseth insists US has ‘control’ of Strait of Hormuz while pitching $1.5T War Department spending spree (New York Post): Still laughing at that obvious AI-generated speech he gave in the Oval Office.

Drown Bad: Waymo Recalls 3,800 Robotaxis After Multiple Cars Cruised Into Flash Floods

“Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.” – Doc Brown Waymo

Of all the rules a self-driving fleet could break, Waymo’s billion-dollar AV unit found the one printed on every Texas highway billboard during flash flood season. Three thousand eight hundred robotaxis are now under voluntary recall because the software couldn’t reliably tell the difference between a road and a creek.

The recall, filed Tuesday with the NHTSA, covers vehicles running Waymo’s fifth and sixth-generation automated driving systems. Which… checks notes… is basically the whole commercial fleet. The trigger though, is the cameras in Austin, San Antonio, and elsewhere catching Waymos either nosing into flooded streets, stalling mid-storm, or, in one San Antonio case on April 20, getting straight-up swept into a creek with no passengers on board. 

That said, this isn’t a one-off for Waymo. Google’s side-piece has been catching safety-flag strays at the same time it’s been aggressively expanding into Los Angeles, Phoenix, Miami, and Austin, with select access in a few more markets. Austin alone has produced the school-bus-yielding controversy and now the flood-canon footage. In December, the SF fleet famously gridlocked an entire neighborhood during a power outage by stopping in place mid-intersection. Different bug, same underlying problem: the cars handle 99% of driving and then catastrophically misread the 1% any teenager could parse.

Of course, Waymo has “identified an area… 

Read The Full Article HERE 

SoftBank’s $46 Billion Vision Fund Gain Was 99% OpenAI, and Masa Son Is Selling Nvidia to Press

Diversification is for poors. Citation: Masayoshi Son.

If your $46 billion annual gain comes from one position, you don’t have a Vision Fund. You have an OpenAI fund with extra steps.

That’s the awkward asterisk on SoftBank’s earnings drop this week. All-In Masa (read: Masayoshi Son), the man who has lost more money on bad ideas than Zuck (sup, Reality Labs), just booked a $46 billion yearly gain at his Vision Fund. And basically all of it is OpenAI. The fund’s $30B-and-counting stake in Sam Altman’s chatbot empire generated $45 billion in paper gains this year alone. The other 300+ portfolio companies? Bleeding. 

We’re talking companies like Coupang, DiDi Global, and Klarna… to which the Vision Fund is literally losing money on the parts that aren’t OpenAI. In Q4, $20 billion of the gain came from OpenAI while the rest of the book was getting its cheeks clapped. Translation: Masa accidentally built a single-stock ETF and called it venture capital.

To his credit (and to S&P’s horror), he’s leaning IN. SoftBank has committed… 

Read The Full Article HERE 

“WTF” Meme of the Day

The hangover sequel we didn’t know we needed… 

Oh, and one more thing…

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Published by RJ Hamster

I was born on 6 August 1956 in San Francisco, California to Janet and (the late) Richard Hovis. I grew up in Santa Monica, California where I attended elementary, junior high school, and high school (graduating in 1974), in addition to involvement in sports and recreation (Little League +, the Boy’s Club ++). Further, it was in elementary school – St. Augustine’s By-the -Sea Parish School that I found, and made the choice to truly journey with God. I attended Arizona State University from 1974 to 1977 – seeking to become an architect, however, I was not accepted, and, as such, I graduated with a Liberal Arts degree. Upon graduation from Arizona State University, I attended Cal Poly San Luis Obispo and studied City and Regional Planning at the Master’s level. I successfully completed one (1) year in a two (2) year program – I did not complete the Master’s degree in City and Regional Planning – due to personal reasons. I returned to Santa Monica where I started (October 1979) my career as graphic designer with Exxon Company, USA. I spent five years with Exxon Company, USA. While working with Exxon Company, USA I was accepted into architectural school – Sci-Arc in Southern California, however, I did not attend preferring to stay with Exxon.. In 1982 I married Laura Flosi and in April 1983 we had our one and only child – Lauren Alain Hovis – a gift from God. We moved to Phoenix, Arizona in 1984 from Los Angeles, where I went to work as a graphic designer with Kitchell CEM (from 1985 -1987). From 1987 – 1995 I was an independent contractor, and a registered representative in mortgage finance, financial management, graphic design, and drafting. Further, I attended the University of Phoenix and successfully obtained a Master’s in Business Administration (MBA) in 1982. I was also a member of the Scottsdale Jaycees, where I became very involved in community events and projects. In 1994, I accepted a cartography position with the Defense Mapping Agency in Reston, Virginia. As such, I relocated from Phoenix to Reston. In 1998, I was accepted and worked as a Visual Information Officer with the Central Intelligence Agency. In 2002, I worked as a Support Officer until my retirement (due to a need for shoulder surgery) in September 2018. Away from my Federal Government service, I have been involved in various organizations and activities in Northern Virginia. In November of 2011, I married Rebecca Ouellette in Santa Monica, California. I reside in San Tan Valley, AZ with my two hamster - Jess and Timothy, our fish, our lizard - RJ Lizard., and our cats - Pearl and Grey. As to hobbies, I enjoy playing sports, attending sporting events, mentoring individuals from financial management to hamsters, building models, photography, travel, multimedia design, managing partner for RJ Hamster, and jazz – smooth jazz to a samba or a bossa nova. Love and God Bless, Peter – aka RJ Hamster Jo hi

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