May 05, 2026
đ§¨Beat & Bleed: Palantir Nails Q1 By 38%, Gets Pistol Whipped Anyway As Chips Yeet Market to ATHâsâŚ
Define âsuffering from successâ…
AK-47 (read: Palantir CEO Alex Karp) brought the manifesto, the receipts, and the swagger⌠and the market still mailed him a -7 magazine. For context, Q1 revenue ripped to $1.63 billion versus a $1.54 billion estimate. EPS came in at $0.33 versus $0.24⌠which clocks in at a 38% beat, all while revenue growth hit the companies highest ever at 85%. Oh, and Temu-Doc Brown raised the full-year guide to $7.64 billion. And investors STILL emptied the clip.
Y tho?
Well for one, Palantir trades at 46 times forward revenue while every other defense and AI peer trades 8 to 12. The Pentagon’s philosopher-CEO didn’t lose because of his numbers. He lost because, after a year-long parabolic run, his stock now needs to deliver this exact quarter every quarter until 2031 just to stand still. Translation: AK ran the table and the market said the table itself was the problem. Woof.
Meanwhile in stonk land, the rest of the screen was green. The chip aisle paced it as Intel popped 14%, Sandisk ripped 12%, and Micron tacked on 11%. The Nasdaq cleared 25,223 and the S&P punched through 7,272⌠both fresh ATHs, both set Friday and broken before lunch today. (Imagine being a Palantir investor today. Actually don’t.)
Elsewhere, Devon Energy got a love letter from Raymond James. Analyst John Freeman cranked the rating to strong buy from outperform and bumped the price target to $72⌠which is another 40% upside on top of the 40% Devon’s already done in 2026. The Coterra merger closes on or around May 7 with Freeman expecting asset sales after. In Raymond James’ own words: âDVN has embraced AI more than any other operator (including the majors).” Translation: Devon put the vibes in vibe coding.
Amongst today’s chaos, we also had a crypto exchange buy a 100-year-old share registry. Bullish (former NYSE President Thomas Farleyâs new grift) is buying transfer agent Equiniti from private-equity Siris Capital for $4.2 billion ($1.85B debt + $2.35B stock). The headline reads “crypto goes legit.” The fine print says a Wall Street guy who left for crypto wrote a $4.2 billion check to buy back a regulated TradFi utility handling 20 million shareholders and $500 billion in annual payments. The deal closes January 2027. Stock popped 12%. The blockchain bros and the boomer share registries are now technically married⌠and their kids are going to be insufferable.
As for oil, it cracked. WTI dipped 4% to $101, Brent shed 3% to $109, on the back of Pistol Pete Hegseth’s Pentagon press conference declaring the ceasefire “certainly holds”. Never mind that Iran has fired on commercial vessels nine f*king times since the truce, lobbed 15 missiles at the UAE Monday, and the U.S. just sunk seven Iranian boats this week. Two American commercial ships made it through the Strait under Project Freedom escort. Hundreds of others are still bottled up in the Persian Gulf. Regardless, everything is fine, says the Pentagon.
Oh, and the loose ends from the bench are DuPont (+8%) and AB InBev (+8%) both posted clean quarterly beats while nobody was watching. So yeah⌠that was Tuesday for ya. Palantir crushed earnings and got crushed for it while the chip aisle yeeted the market to new ATHâs. Love or hate to see it. Depending on what you own. Until next time, friendsâŚ
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Karp Unloads âBest Software Everâ Speech as Palantirâs $1.5M Per Employee Stat Breaks the Internet
Are you not entertained?!?
Frodo Bagginâs favorite stock (read: Palantir) just dropped another earnings report⌠and it was so good we got another all-time-quote from its fearless leader, Alex Karp.
Many folks (my hand is up) thought that after Donnie Politics took the time to shoutout Palantir on Truth Social including putting the actual ticker symbol in the Tweet⌠that maybe Palantir was on the strugglebus.
So how good were Q1 numbers? Oh nothing crazy, Palantir only increased revenue 85%, posting the fastest growth sinceâŚ
Elon Cuts a $1.5M âOops Feeâ to the SEC⌠Caps Off $44B Twitter Heist With a Parking Ticket
Number of days in a row that Elonâs been mentioned in the news involving a lawsuit: (infinity).
After years of both sides playing the longest fingerpointing game in history⌠Elon has finally wrapped up the lawsuit tied to his 2022 Twitter buying spree⌠and the grand total came out to a very intimidating $1.5 million. Which is, about how much his child support payments equal out to every week (for just one kid).
And in case you forgot, thatâs on a $44 BILLION deal. (Go ahead and put Elonâs lawyer who negotiated this into the âLawyer Hall of Fameâ right next toâŚ
â Market Gossip
> Microsoft Xbox CEO overhauls leadership amid sinking sales: âWe need to evolve how we workâ (CNBC): Sharmaâs Karmaâs a b*tch…
> Google, Microsoft to Give US Agency Early Access to AI Models (Bloomberg): Voluntary, as in “or else”âŚ
> Airbnb co-founder taps Peter Arnell as first US chief brand architect (TechCrunch): Did Tropicana sign off on this? (iykyk)
> SEC advances Trump-backed proposal to end mandatory quarterly earnings reports (CNBC): âI was born too early.â – Bernie Madoff, probablyâŚ
Apple Gets Caught Sniffing Around Intel Behind TSMCâs Back, INTC Moons to New ATHâs
âAinât nuthinâ to f*k wit!â – Wu-Tang ClanLip-Bu Tan
Apple just got caught with one hand in Intel’s foundry and the other in Samsung’s, and TSMC is the wife about to find the receipts.
In short, Intel popped 14% today after a report announced that Cupertino is in “early-stage” talks with both companies to fab the main processors for U.S. devices, breaking seventeen years of near-total TSMC monogamy. Stock smashed through to a new all-time highâŚ. Aaaaand just like that, the chipmaker that was being eulogized eight months ago is now up roughly 330% since Uncle Sam took his 10% stake last August.
For context, the receipts show zero orders placed (so far). The talks are “early-stage.” Apple “has concerns about using technology that is not made by” TSMC, per the same report. Cook flirted, the engineers are not yet impressed, and now weâre watching Intel add roughly $50 billion in market cap on what is, technically, vapor.
Doesnât matter though. April was Intel’s best month in its fifty-five years on the Nasdaq (+114%). Nvidia wrote a $5 billion check in September. Lip-Bu Tan’s Intel just rebought its ownâŚ
Andy Jassy’s Industry Body Count Adds A Brown Truck As Logistic Empire Goes Open SeasonâŚ
Live look at all of our delivered packagestoday (thanks, Jassey)
Temu-Jeff Bezos is officially that guy who nukes 100 year old industries just for fun. In case you havenât heard, Amazon launched Amazon Supply Chain Services yesterday with the goal of opening its logistics network to outside businesses for the first time.
Naturally, investors of UPS and FedEx gave up the ghost as shares cratered 9%-10% on both. Meanwhile, P&G, 3M, American Eagle, and Lands’ End were named as the launch customers. Bigly.
Friendly reminder, Carol TomĂŠ (read: UPS CEO) has spent the last 18 months telling Wall Street that the plan at UPS was to pull AWAY from Amazon and chase higher-margin business. She cut 48,000 jobs in 2025. She announced another 30,000 in January. She called the whole thing the “Amazon glide-down.” Her exact words on the call: “2026 will be an inflection point.” Sure as hell was.
Now, Amazon’s bringing 80,000 trailers, more thanâŚ
âWTFâ Meme of the Day
Story continues to take the wildest turnsâŚ
Oh, and one more thingâŚ
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